In recent news, Wichita County Chief of Police, Ted Sturgeon, was spotted carrying what appeared to be a magazine from a Gamestop miles outside his jurisdiction by local detectives. Upon further investigation, the private eyes discovered a crumpled receipt indicating Sturgeon had in fact purchased a strategy guide for the popular murder mystery game Heavy Rain. When questioned by investigating officers, the Gamestop employees told authorities Sturgeon had called asking for advice on the game all week, and seemed to have no fucking clue who the killer was.
Sturgeon held a press conference, and promptly tendered his resignation after the media caught wind of the embarrassing affair. “I’ve lost sleep. The whole case just slipped through my hands.” Sturgeon sighed regrettably, “How can I continue to uphold my duty as an officer of the law knowing that there are digital crimes across thousands of games in need of proper litigation?” A suitable replacement for the high-ranking member of law enforcement has yet to be named. However, future officers will be required to undertake an online litmus test for solving similar video game murders. - Brian Garthoff