Coming in on the heels of many exciting announcements for PC gamers this week, Valve's Todd Snazdad excitedly revealed a new purchase system that Steam customers can implement. "We want to offer people new and innovative ways to obtain product", said Snazdad, "and that's why we're implementing a black market exchange program for organ harvesting."
According to Snazdad, part of the early success of the company was due to their deep ties to the Russian mob. This connection will also be an integral part of the new organ and appendage exchange program. Upon signing up, mobsters will arrange to randomly chloroform the customer and perform a back alley surgery during a certain time window, much like arranging for a cable installation.
This new program will allow for customers to trade in a kidney, spleen, and possibly bone marrow in exchange for Steam Wallet funds. Valve is still working out fair exchange rates for a partial lung, liver, and estranged genitalia. All transactions will be final and irreversible once the contract is signed, but since the market is new, rates are at a premium, with up to $600 on the table for an inner ear canal. The program is poised to cut pieces out of the player by the end of the business quarter as we approach the famed Steam Summer Sale. - James "Nate" Macbeth